Dear Diary #2.1

I think another key thing about progress or forward movement is that the most important pet is to go a little further each time you move. I think one of the things that’s hard not to do is to analyze the nature of movement. Like things aren’t moving at a desired speed. That is not fast enough. Or maybe there’s no feedback from the effort - a cause and no effect. You do something and there’s no apparent response. It’s easy to give up in despair or fear that whatever it is you did didn’t work. And then you feel all crappy or get down or depressed. It’s dif to work in isolation. Or maybe your expectations are out of line from the actual situation. When that happens it creates a breeding ground for anxiety and self-defeating thought patterns.

I think there should be only one question at the end of the day that needs to be answered: did I go any further than where I started. The answer is binary. No need for meta analysis and reflection. Well maybe something along the line of “can I go a little further tomorrow than I did today?”  That’s a personal challenge and goal. But even then if you have two questions at the end of the day — am
I further along than when I started? And did I take a bigger step today than I did yesterday . If the answer to both is yes then great. If not then the default should switch to just answering the first one. Eventually the momentum will build and larger steps will be taken and turns will appear and before you know it you’ll be getting somewhere.

Dear Diary... #2

So I'm pretty sure the only people reading this are spambots which I like. After I removed all previous content (at least I think I did) a year or so ago with the intent of starting over I instantly lost motivation. Partially, I think, because from the time I left Seattle I've morphed and grown (and shrunk) and changed and the need for an alter-ego (just who the hell was Ogalthorpe?) just kind of faded away. Kind of like what happens to an imaginary friend when we leave childhood. Anyway I like that no one is listening so now I can use this as a kind of diary which I will fiercely sporadically use and probably abandon after like three entries.

In the last couple of years I've taken the time to look back at choices and behaviors and patterns and see how they affect what I'm doing right now. How they form the decisions and choices I make. How I interact with people. A whole bunch of shit like that. What I found was that I'm fairly wedged into my comfort zone. I have internalized a great deal of fear and that informs just about everything I do. Steven Pressfield called it Resistance. My uncle would call it laziness. But if I can call it fear then that gives me something to beat a stick at. It provides a paradigm for understanding why I've been so goddamn slow to move in any one direction. If only I had started this ten years ago I'd be so.much.farther.along by now. That applies to a photography career, love life, playing the guitar, so.many.things! I suppose if there was a roadmap to this kind of stuff the journey wouldn't be worth a damn. Some people like the answers to be in the back of the book so they don't really have to try. For me I just never really had to try that hard so I never really did. Now I'm on the verge of 50 and trying to figure out what the other 40% of my life is going to look at. I'm sure nobody is going to come along and discover me because I haven't really done anything worth discovering. It's not like I have a novel stuck in my desk drawer. I have a few pages here and there. A couple of pictures, that is. But no theme no "body of work". I wish I did. I wish I had a driving force. Maybe even a little compulsion to kickstart these things. Now here I am spraying my resume at job postings like I'm some kind of flower shooting pollen at anything it will stick to. And though it's difficult to articulate what I want, I really feel that's what I don't want. I don't want to be an engineer again. At least not the kind I was. I don't want to lay down my creative life to trade making assloads of paperwork for money. Sure it would jumpstart all the other parts of my life that have been on hold like new clothes, a place of my own, travel, adult relationships (well it may be too late for that but you get the idea). (BTW I'm writing to myself as the unknown third person so when I say you I'm flagrantly fucking up the grammar). But regardless it is definitely time to move in some kind of direction.

So as someone who prefers somewhat of a clear path over hacking through brambles, I have to break down the journey into pieces. I'm not a complex (complicated in a cautionary way, yes) person and I'm not so good at strategy. So I think the first few steps of the process (maybe even all the steps) can be the following:

1. Show up
   
   Whatever it is you want to do or might want to do, just show up to it. This is the journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step thing.
   
2. Keep going
   
   That's the only way your going to get someplace. Keep going until you figure out if you're going in a good direction. If you're not then stop and pivot. If you're not sure then keep going until you know for sure (or mostly for sure).

So, yeah, that's the thing for me. Show up, take a step or two, then keep going. You kind of really hope it's stepping in the right direction.  Especially when you're burning days and each one becomes more valuable than the one before. But fear of not going in the right direction is kind of scary and sometimes the fear becomes a monster and it makes you not go or not start or whatever. It's best to just put all that meta-analysis in a duffle bag and shove it under your seat.

So now that I've written this I can get back to what I was supposed to be doing that ignored to write this. Heh, and who the hell says perpetual motion machines are the stuff of shysters. 

Dear Diary... #1

I've been struggling lately with what kind of work I want to do. A portrait photographer I see my work as essentially the same as those who have come before me: artistic reproduction of people and (usually) just their faces. By working diligently I have proven myself capable of doing the same thing others have done and are currently doing. I can mimic so many well known photographers both living and dead. By doing so I've simply proven myself a good copyist. I suppose (and I'm sure others will say) this is part of the apprenticeship process.

But I want something more. Something different. Right now I don't know what that something is exactly. Lately I've been fooling around with a scanner and photoshop manipulation of scanned items (see my instagram if you're bored. I don't really have control of these images in the sense that when I start with a scan I have no idea how it will transform and end up. I just start manipulating and see where it takes me. For some reason I think this is different than pre-conceiving an idea and trying faithfully execute it. Maybe how I'm working is like how many others work. I have no idea. But for some reason (for my own work) I feel it's more important to come up with a semi-finished idea in my head first and then try to make it. Maybe I'm being a bit hard on myself. No idea, really.

But back to the idea of wanting something more. I don't know what the more could be. Maybe a moving picture. Perhaps I will happen upon a manipulation I like and apply it to photos. I've had a notion of somehow mixing a photo with some real-life components. Like gluing some of the clothing or accessories a subject is wearing onto an image to create a kind of semi-3D kind of look. Video? I've been putting it off forever and it will probably keep waiting. Maybe nothing will come of any of this thinking. But there is something slowly chewing on a morsel of the back part of my brain. It's telling me of an essence of a notion of a... something. I want to find out what it could be but may have to be satisfied with not being satisfied by figuring it out.

[dictated but not read]

Models

Dear Viewer,

A model is an object, like a table or a cookie. If someone is in front of my lens, I prefer to call them my subject or refer to them as the talent. They're humans after all.

The last word on light

Many of the entries in the prior incarnation of this journal have been technical discussions pertaining the use of light. As we progress in ability the fundamentals (while important) become less of a focus and more of a toolset. They become ingrained in our actions and how we choose to put them to use. I no longer have the desire to talk about light in a procedural manner. So I will leave here the abstractions I've come to carry with me.

• The most basic purpose of light is to illuminate that which cannot be seen.

• Good light reveals form and texture. - Dean Collins

• The highest purpose of light is to convey emotion.

When I pick up my camera these are the things I'm thinking about. Every choice as to the use of a particular modifier or kind of light is made to the purposeful creation of a photograph that reveals form, texture, and emotion. Everything else is just noise.

My brain is autocorrecting my life

What causes understanding?

I’m sitting in a coffee shop and while staring off into the abyss of my thoughts my eyes stumbled upon the giant poster of a vintage French cigarette ad hanging on the wall. The graphic is an elephant draped in a vibrant scarlet fabric with the words “JE NE FUME QUE LE NIL” written in text that’s about a foot tall. I know a little bit of French and I recognize the beginning of the sentence as translating to “I don’t smoke” – the rest of the phrase I don’t know and can’t translate.

Then I look down at my laptop, which is open to some page that begins with a headline in 36 point font. English is my primary language and I recognize the words, their content and meaning, innately - instantly. Our primary language is so innate it is seamlessly processed in our brains. It just is. I just understand it. Whatever machinery that crunches the translation from words into meaning in my brain occurs faster than I can even think about it. But the French words, I see them, but not the same as the English words. There’s a level of abstraction removed from the quickness that is afforded my native language. There’s a delay even though there’s no step of translation involved (I learned what French I can recall at an early enough age that I don't have to consciously translate many basic words or phrases).

I continued stare at the words on the poster to see if I could make them appear to me as natural as the words on the web page. I couldn’t. I couldn’t get rid of the delay. I'm guessing that that delay is inherent to my current level of ability with the foreign language. It’s probably also due to the infrequency with which I practice it (reading, writing, or speaking). In my daily life my experience with French is statistically nil. As I think about it I wonder if those with more developed multi-lingual skills see the words of the non-primary languages as easily as I see English words. That if I put more effort into practicing French that that delay of comprehension will somehow decrease (or even diminish) and I will be able to see French and English as facilely as I see red and blue. Both red and blue being colors but equal though different, yet I am able to understand them both.

The curious tangent, to me, about this question is what else does my brain do so expediently without my conscious knowledge and how does that operation affect my life and in particular my choices and my general outlook? I know that my brain is probably making many, many choices and judgments (thousands perhaps) every second and minute of every day. I suppose this is the task of the subconscious or even the preconscious. But I can't help but think that those basic decisions percolate up to the surface and form more complex traits and characteristics. For example, I can be highly critical with negative overtones. Why is that? Why am I not more relaxed and laissez-faire? Even as I sit and think about what’s happened in my life over the last few months I know that I'm maximizing or at least magnifying the critical aspects – or perhaps more honestly magnifying the criticality of my views of the events as opposed to the events alone – while minimizing or not even seeing the more positive ones.

I’m confident that this function of my brain is essential to keeping me alive – not only by telling my heart to beat and my lungs to breath, but by making sure I don’t try to inspect the undercarriage of a moving bus or try to fly off an ocean cliff. But I can't help but think that this autocorrect feature is also keeping me from enjoying more of life. From seeing more beauty in things and situations and people that I nonchalantly judge, categorize, shelve, and ignore. I can only be so “meta” about myself. That’s the nature of auto-evaluation. We view biases with a biased telemetry system so we are mostly blind to biased thoughts and actions. It’s like I'm chasing my own tail. Every once and a while I catch a glimpse of it in my periphery but I will try vigorously at times to catch it, but what I'm seeing and chasing is only the tip something much bigger I cannot clearly see.

My Fundamental Philosophy of Photography

When learning a new art one of the first things people often do is look to more experienced artists for inspiration. Part of the learning process involves deconstructing the works of these artists to gain some kind of insight into why they did what they did. Part of this process involves the examination of brush strokes, knife marks, or lighting setups, etc. We look at the artifacts of whatever the tool that the artist used create the work as we try to gain some insight into the process. Part of what we are looking for is technique. The other, and more important part, is the motivation behind the choice of the tool and how it was used.  I think it's a natural part of the learning process. But in some regards it's like throwing a piano over a cliff to learn something about music.


I've been asked many times how I went about making a particular photograph. I'm a pragmatic man and I have a difficult time with unnecessary flourish. I prefer to give simple, sometimes cryptic explanations and let the asker figure out some of the information for themself. I'm a big fan of struggling a little to learn as opposed to having answers readily handed out. I prefer to teach people how to fish rather than simply hand them a fish. My reasoning is that somehow they will value the information a little more and gain a little more if they have to work for it. Also I think that chewing on something for awhile can lead to a more intimate understanding of whatever is being learned. The problem I encounter with this, though, is that sometimes I come across like a jerk when I'm really trying to help. Given this I'd like to outline my very basic philosophy when it comes to how I make photographs. First I'll give the short answer (the one I normally only give) then I'll explain it a little.

I use a black camera because black cameras are the best.

The long version of this is: it doesn't matter what camera or lens you use to make as photograph as long as it's sufficient to do the job you need it to do. That's it. That's all. Nothing else to see here. Move along.

I made that picture by looking through the viewfinder and pushing the button. 

I cannot unwind my clockwork to learn anything about how I keep time. I am incapable of describing how my "eye" works. It just is. It's a telemetry system that resulted of my particular path to becoming a photographer. Though our experiences may overlap some, your path will be different than mine. 

I would set your hair on fire if it would give me the perfect shade of "ouch". 

This is simply: I will do whatever it takes to make whatever image I happen to want to make at the time. It also means holding strong to your artistic convictions during the process. It's also kind of rude. As I've matured as a human and an artist I've softened on this somewhat because I don't want to maliciously and purposely hurt anyone for my own gain. So this one requires some balance. It requires the consent of the parties involved. But still, hold on to your vision as much as you can while you're doing what you need to do. But don't hurt anyone in the process if you can help it.


When I say these things (the three tenants) I probably sound a little cocky. But with most concepts there's a lot of depth but that's fairly densely packaged and it take some work to pull everything apart and make sense of the message. If there's something I can help you understand, I'll do my best to try. But understand that there things I cannot deconstruct. They just are.

Ogalthorpe's Family Values

Wrestling with Identity is a concept that is ubiquitous in the sea of the human condition. For some, discovery comes early and easily. For others it's a long and continual process. I'm one of those people. It's something I've struggled with for many years. Not just in the photographic field (which name do I use - my own or Ogalthorpe), but personally. Whether I'm an engineer or a photographer, logical or artistic. I suppose I'm fortunate that my feet sort of straddle the line between the hemispheres of brain and personality. 

Over the last few months I've been doing research on the subjects life plans, dating, and business/marketing. At first glance there probably doesn't seem to be much overlap between the subjects (well... except dating and marketing). But I found that most authors of each subject said that in order to be successful it was a good idea if you know who you are. Probably the most often encountered phrase was "what are your values". I'm sure many people can probably state some of their values at least on a practical level if not an intellectual one. I've never set out out to crystallize my own values. The act of doing so seems to me to be at an intellectual level slightly more abstract than I have experience living in. Basically I figured it boiled down to philosophy which is something I'm not very versed. 

I'm guessing I'm not the only one who may struggle with this concept. It seems that many people have trouble with this idea. Go on a few dating sites and count the number of times someone has written something like "it's so hard to describe myself" under the About Me section. I'm guilty of this at times. So I sat down to think about what's important to me. What are my values? After some time I came up with the following list. It's by no means exhaustive but I think it encapsulates what qualities are important to me and what I value in others. 

1. Speak the truth. But be considerate of other people’s feelings. You don’t always have to be brutal in your honesty.
2. Whenever possible keep your word. Shit happens. When it does, apologize. But don’t maliciously mislead others. 
3. Be Fair, Tolerant, and Generous as often as possible. If you weren’t able, ask for a do-over. If you can’t do it over, figure out how to do it better next time
4.  Intelligence and Reason are important. Educate yourself, be smart and don’t fall for snake oil and hocus-pocus. Take time to figure out complex problems. The answer is not in the back of the book. 
5. Continually try to learn new things. Your brain has infinite storage. Try to fill it up. 
6. Try to find beauty in all the places you look. Sometimes it’s hard but I know you can do it. Sometimes the beautiful thing is seeing something differently than you usually do. 
7. Be Self-Aware. But don’t get stuck looking in the mirror. you might never leave the house. 
8. Watch out for cognitive errors. You really don’t know what other people think unless they tell you. The world is beautifully gradated. It’s not all black and white. 
9. Go outside and play. You can play inside too if that’s your thing. 
10. Be connected. You’re great but there’s strength in numbers. Find your tribe in revel in what they have to share with you and be proud of what you have to share with them.

So while I'm slowly settling into the comfort of my own skin, I can hang this list on my existential wall and use it as a guide to light the way as I continue to muddle through the dark unknown of life. Whether it be personal or professional, if anyone has any question of how I want to present myself or what I'm trying to do, I present this list.

Say Anything

Say something. Say almost anything. Don't let the fear of saying the wrong thing hold you back. Saying the wrong thing is better than saying nothing. At least you were heard. And if you need consolation, take solace in the lesson of having said the wrong thing.

Gone, Baby, Gone

All the old posts are gone... I know.