This evening I was on the elliptical trainer at the gym and I had a little bit of an epiphany in between watching my heart rate and my speed. I realized that I've never really thought of photography as WORK. I don't mean that I love it so much it doesn't seem like work or it's a labor of love. What I mean is that I've never thought of it as the kind of WORK that you and I probably normally think of as WORK: that place where most people go for 8 to 10 or 12 hours a day. In an office or in a store or someplace like that.
I've been fortunate, very fortunate indeed, to have discovered in myself this talent of making photographs. Well it's been more of an obsession than a hobby for a good portion of my life. But this past year when my job as an aerospace engineer came to an end I thought it would be a great opportunity to transition into a photography career. After all, many people had told me that I was good enough that I should go pro. Sure, I thought, that sounds great. But the problem so many times with great ideas is that they never gestate and turn into reality. They live and die as ideas never seeing the light of day.
So I decided to try it out a little bit and I got some business licenses and a bank account. I even shot a wedding. But after that I just kind of pissed around fooling myself into thinking that I was WORKING. When really I was just kidding myself and jerking my own chain.
In the process something else happened. And it's very difficult to admit. I'm having some difficulty right now deciding if I should admit it for fear of being labeled or maligned because of it. Well, what happened is that I developed a major depression. The chemicals in my brain decided they were going to have a party of their own and to hell with me and what I wanted to do. And they did. And slowly I withdrew from the things I would normally do. Being on "funemployment" (as my friend Heather likes to call it) certainly didn't help. The problem is that for quite some time I didn't realize this was happening to me. Then one day I decided I didn't really want to get out of bed until after noon. And then after that one o'clock. I think you see where this is headed. But don't worry, the story gets better. Good better, not more interesting better.
After realizing what the hell was going on in my head, I was able to find some people who cared and helped to get me back on course. Now it's only been a few weeks and I'm still standing on a small hill of my life's wreckage -- my unemployment ran out, my girlfriend moved out, and I still don't have a photography business -- but at least now I have the strength to get out of bed and figure out where to go.
And this is what I've realized: It's Friday night right now.
But come Monday I gotta drag my ass to WORK just like everybody else who has a job.
I'll keep you posted.
11 comments:
Good for you, and congratulations for having the guts to admit it. Major changes are hard to deal with.
Here in Australia my son has stopped being an aerospace engineer too. He has successfully moved on to web development projects.
Keep at it, things will improve. It takes time.
same boat
Glad to hear things are better man. Hopefully everything continues to get better.
{{ hugs }}
Persevere, my friend. If you really want it there won't be any stopping you.
Keep up the workouts, too. I swear endorphins unlock even the most pigheaded mysteries.
xoxo
Realizing its a job like any other and persuading your loved ones to understand that too is one of the first steps. Thats why I'm still programming computers instead of running a photography business I took too long to figure it out.
Doing what you want is one of the hardest things in the world. Whatever is meant to happen has and will. Good luck.
Sorry to hear of your troubles! It sounds to me like you're getting back on the right track though and I've noticed your tweets about going to the gym. Believe it or not, working out will help you physically and mentally. I've been a fan of your work for some time and I wish you all the best in 2010. It takes a brave person to follow their heart and to pursue their interests. I wish I had the ability to move forward with my photography and seek it as a full time career. I've never met you personally, but I feel like I sorta know you and if anyone can make it in this business, I think you're the man. Keep your head up and don't give up!
Jeremy,
I've got mad respect for you for being brave enough to admit you're going through depression.
I've worked in health care for 13 years, but more importantly I went through a depressive period myself. The "stigma" of depression is a very frustrating thing. No one blames someone for having diabetes, yet admit you have depression and you are somehow less of a person.
...it's crap.
You're on the upward swing though my friend, and power to you for that. Being an artist is never an easy thing, and if it means working a gig to pay the rent while you are building your artistic endeavor consider it a step on your journey... not a step back.
If you ever come north to Vancouver (Canada) let's do beers and talk about life. Feel free to bring that Darien guy too.
:)
Best wishes,
Ian
Jeremy,
It's great to hear you are climbing out of the pit! Keep up the gym workouts and the photoshoots - both are good for the heart and soul.
All the best.
- Ron
Hopefully things continue to get better for you, Jeremy. You'll make it through and one day it's gonna hit you (maybe while changing lenses or some other simple task) that you've finally reached the point where you have realized the office/work experience for your photog business, and that you'd wake up at 8am regardless of whether having a morning gig or not.
Good luck,
H
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